Compassion centred leadership and getting tough stuff done in a human way
We are joined today by Steven Hargreaves, founder of the Compassionate Leadership Company, who brings experience across social work, local government, the charity sector, operational leadership, transformation and change management. Today’s session explores compassion-centred leadership as a practical approach to getting tough stuff done in a human way.
Self-compassion sits at the centre
Compassion-centred leadership places self-compassion at the core. If we choose compassion and want to enhance compassion and lead with compassion, it is not a sustainable approach unless we are showing ourselves a high level of compassion and a high level of personal regard.
There is also a need to be strategically selfish at times, and to know when we need to put ourselves first. Compassion is a natural humanistic trait. We are full of compassion. There may be times and situations where it feels blocked or suppressed, or where feeling exhausted and burnt out makes it harder to demonstrate, but it is part of our humanity.
Compassion is empathy plus meaningful and thoughtful action
To understand compassion clearly, it helps to separate it from pity, sympathy and empathy.
- Pity can mean being aware that there is distress, pain or suffering, but being very distant from it, not connected to it or to the person, and having very little willingness to act or support
- Sympathy takes us a step further, we are feeling for the person, and often we want to let them know we are thinking of them
- Empathy – we are not offering the bright side and we are not trying to cheer someone up
- Compassion – Â Our feelings of empathy compel us to do something more
The emotional legacy of compassion
When compassion is not available, the emotional experience is powerful. Including feeling alone, insecure, stuck and neglected
There is also a real legacy to the relationship afterwards including lack of trust
That matters because trust comes through strongly in this experience. We do not need that many moments where we are vulnerable and that vulnerability is punished, or even just missed, before there is a lasting effect on the relationship.
The flip side is just as powerful. When compassion is received, people describe feeling secure and valued
The impact on the relationship is also clear. It builds trust, brings safety, brings loyalty, makes people much more able to communicate, less guarded, more open, and often strengthens the relationship.
What aftertaste do you want to lead
Particularly if we are leading a change initiative or a change project, this is far less a cognitive, rational or logical experience. It is much more of an emotional experience. That emotional experience, or emotional hangover, can stick with people.
Clear is kind
People suffer at work in ways that are easy to overlook. If goals and expectations are unclear, if good is not clear, or if people are not clear what they need to do by when, that can lead to confusion, anxiety, paralysis and feeling stuck.
That can also lead to behaviour such as:
- Staying at work longer
- Working early in the mornings
- Working late in the evenings
- Working at weekends in the hope that if enough gets done, some of it will stick
The phrase that captures this is simple. Clear is kind.
Compassion is not the same as being nice
Compassion is not the same as being nice. There are good things about being nice, but nice can get in the way. There are lots of reasons why people might choose nice, including safety, socialisation and habit. It is not a criticism. At the same time, nice can hold us back and can become an avoidance of action.
Being nice can look like being very focused on being liked and pleasing others and avoiding the conversations that need to happen.
Leading with compassion can look like being focused on making a difference and seeing the human being in front of you with more generosity.
There can be elephants in the room. There can be performance issues. There can be situations where everyone is so nice that the team is not really addressing what needs to be addressed. Nice can be polite, courteous and timely, but it can also hold people back.
The conversations that count
The value of leadership is predominantly its willingness and ability to have those tough conversations. It is compassionate to have those conversations that count. It comes from a place of care.
Compassion is contagious, and so is incivility
When people receive compassion, they are much more likely to pass it on. They do not even need to experience it directly. Hearing about it or observing it can have almost the same impact.
Incivility is also contagious. Rude and impolite behaviour is something people catch and are much more likely to replicate. It also disrupts cognitive functioning and people’s ability to think, reason, and make decisions.
When incivility is tolerated, three things can happen. People may leave because they do not feel safe. They may stay, but keep their head down and protect themselves, spending their energy on survival rather than ideas and participation. Or they may opt in and pass it on because they think that is the way things get done around here.
That is why civility matters, and why not addressing incivility matters too.
Choosing the culture people catch
Culture needs to be chosen rather than left to happen around us. Leaders are culture crafters. Leaders are the super spreaders. The question becomes simple. What virus do you want your people to catch?
During significant change and restructuring, values do not get parked. Values have to come out in how the change is done. That makes change a massive touch point for everybody in the organisation.
This is about creating, as much as leaders are able to, the emotional culture where people are more likely to succeed.
Compassion is not soft and fluffy. It is a really tough, courageous place to be. It is tiring, exhausting and powerful. It requires courage, and it requires energy. We are not going to sustain leadership, not even over the medium term, if our constant focus is on serving, serving, serving without understanding that we need to self-serve as well.
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